Big Hair and Mix Tapes

I love 70’s and 80’s classic rock.

Big hair tortured under the weight of a dried-out spiral perm. Semi-orgasmic guitar solos played by a tall, skinny guy in faded blue jeans that are a couple octaves too tight. A mega-cool lead singer who wears more black eye liner, flouncy scarves, and mismatched jewelry than your gaudy Aunt Lillian. And, epic rock ballads that profess the hunger pains of angst-ridden love. Scratchy, intense, road-weary vocals convey longing and yearning that ring true the world over for anyone who has a deep desire to connect with the natural forces of The Universe.

Sigh… All we need now is a love-struck boyfriend to make a mix tape with a playlist handwritten on a piece of spiral notebook paper.

In all seriousness, God bless the men who were once the teenage boys who put forth the effort to spend innumerable hours fast-forwarding, rewinding, and then listening to each song as it copied over from one cassette to the other. A true test of personal willpower that combined desire, the patience of Job, and the goal-oriented aptitude of a field general. Be impressed.

I think those teenage boys where on to something important. That music has the power to bond people to one another through shared experience. A powerful connection that gives us a way to heal what’s broken. And, a way to let the things that aren’t broken the space to just be.

I believe this because it’s my experience. For example, when a song’s music and lyrics strike a chord with my emotions, I play that song over and over.

And, over and over…

Mesmerized. Like being drawn to a light.

Because in my mind that specific song belongs with a specific memory of a specific moment. And as I reminisce about what was and what wasn’t, the music’s message helps me make sense of how that moment belongs in the bigger picture of my lived experience.

Waiting for a girl like you…

Two weeks ago, my niece, Michaela, and I went to the Iowa State Fair to hear Foreigner, one of the most popular classic rock bands. I love Foreigner. I love Michaela. It was a beautiful combination.

As we entered the fairgrounds on the eastside of Des Moines, that strange mixture of greasy deep-fat fry and burnt tire rubber filled the air. A distinct odor that screams, “State Fair.”

Walking through the fairgrounds, the feel of the moment became more intense the closer we got to the Grand Stand. Through the turnstile ticket gate and up the first flight of steps, I sensed the crowd before I saw it, I sensed the crowd’s roar before I heard it. As a buzzy feeling danced alongside my pulse, I was drawn deeper into the building, deeper into the experience. As I got to the top of the steps, emerging from the Grand Stand’s underbelly, I felt a fresh, cool breeze on my skin that roused me, and I became one with the crowd’s energy.

My internal energy became in tune with the synergy of the people around me, and I started to strut to the beat of the music rather than just walk. This belonging to the crowd wasn’t just “in my head.” It was a visceral and physical experience as the music vibrated the cartilage plate in my chest, and buzzed my limbs in the delicate layer of tissue that lies between my skin and my muscles. Hit song after hit song, the crowd ebbed and flowed with the experience. For example, we swayed in sync to the beat of the music as we sang along with the lead singer as he belted out the famous lyrics, “I want to know what love is…” Swaying and singing in unison, transfixed by the beam of the bright lights illuminating the stage as if we were staring at an alien spaceship hovering over us, calling us home to the motherland. In this moment, I looked out over the crowd and imagined the thousands of individual, unique memories about love and lust that were intertwining in that one moment, like coming home and seeing a mass of yarn strands covering the living room floor with the house cat lying in the middle.

For a few hours on one August evening, the experience I shared with this band, this crowd, and this niece made me forget my hurts and pains. In those few hours, I set down the old, tired, worn-out, emotional baggage I carry around with me every day – loneliness, rejection, feeling misunderstood, and worrying if I’m good enough. In those few hours chillin’ out in the Grand Stand with my niece, listening to songs from my youth, I simultaneously reminisced about adolescent experiences that I keep tucked away in my private, mental “play list” of personal memories, and created a new positive memory “track” with a person who is dear to me.

Connecting and bonding with one another in ways that create positive memories is essential for our overall health and sense of well-being. Absolutely essential.

I’m a fan of John Gottman, an American psychology researcher and clinician who has studied marital stability and divorce prediction for over four decades. I believe his research into human relationship is universal enough to transfer to friendships, work relationships, and overall human decency. Gottman’s research shows that there are several predictive measures to whether a marriage will work in the long-term. (Let’s stretch this to mean any relationship). The TOP 2 actions are showing each other KINDNESS, especially during a stressful event that requires a difficult conversation, and being intentional about creating POSITIVE ENERGY which leads to positive memories, specifically at a ratio of 5 positives to 1 negative. In other words, a good relationship doesn’t just happen. It takes intentionality to create kind, uplifting and emotionally soothing moments that will neutralize the social hurts we all experience throughout each day.

As a spiritual person, I choose to believe that human connecting and bonding – in other words, having a way to belong to something bigger than just your own, private experience – is The Universe’s way of giving us a mechanism to help us cope and make sense of the ups and downs of life because, let’s face it, living life is an emotionally vulnerable experience. We need to have deep connections in order to feel safe enough to share our creativity, our productivity, and our authenticity so that we can actually believe that when we call out for help that someone will be there to notice and respond in a way that soothes our spirit and helps make things better.

As an aunt, all 9 of my nieces and nephews are valuable people to me. I remember where I was when I heard about each of their births, and hearing each unique name for the first time. At the time of each of their baptisms, I made a promise to God that I would protect and provide guidance. A promise that I take seriously and am devout to.

I’ve always known that each was an important relationship that would grow and develop over time. From the start, getting to know each for who they really are, seeing into their spirit, was important to me. My end goal was for them know that they could count on me for support, encouragement, truthfulness, to fill in the gaps to increase understanding, and have a place for balancing serious reflection and laughing at life. I’ve made mistakes in these relationships, for sure. Looking beyond the mistakes, empathizing, relating to authentic feelings, and being able to approach difficult conversations has always been an important goal for me because I knew that if I’d laid a foundation for being able to talk about just about anything that in me they’d have at least one person they could rely on in a shaky moment. Trusted support from someone who is 100% vested in them and their future. I wanted to create a connection that would give them a way to heal what’s broken. And, a way to let the things that aren’t broken the space to just be.

Twenty-five years ago, I could only dream of how important that foundation was going to be.

As time passes and my nieces and nephews become young adults, I now receive emotional support as well as give it, and we share intellectually interesting conversations about topics that aren’t part of my usual day, and we get to have fun experiences based on their interests, not just mine, and they bring new people into my life that I wouldn’t have otherwise met. Realizing this level of connection, bonding, and belonging brings tears to my eyes as I remember visioning this future while sitting in a church pew during that first baptism at the Corwith United Methodist Church over 25 years ago.

Relationships are a long-term commitment.

Now, when I think of those teenage boys who made mix tapes, I truly believe they were attempting to make good relationships great. Thinking beyond the immediate moment. Putting their hearts on the line. Sharing a positive experience in order to create meaningfulness with another person.

Creating meaning in a long-term relationship is like making a mix tape. It takes time to do things that move the relationship forward. It takes time to rewind, sharing and reflecting on thoughts and feelings. And, it takes time to listen and appreciate the chords, the lyrics, the harmony… the music of a relationship.

Do things that create and maintain positive momentum in your relationships.

Be kind, especially during stressful moments. This isn’t about being spineless. This is about seeing the world from the other person’s point of view so together you can create a better outcome.
Build trust through authenticity. In other words, have the courage to “lay it out on the table.” Authentically sharing both your thoughts and feelings honors you, the other person, and the relationship, which builds trust through shared vulnerability.
Find all kinds of ways to let that person know that they matter to you. Being specific about their actions will amplify the effect. And, letting them know you are proud of them and proud to be with them is golden.
Turn towards the person to acknowledge them. Open body language and eye contact are a big deal because doing so builds trust and rapport. These seemingly simple body movements fire off thousands of biochemical reactions in the human neurological system – it’s how the human brain and neural pathways are wired.
Do what it takes to create meaning in your relationships before you wish you had because relationships have a price tag… time. Make sure your special person has a play list of meaningful memories that they can play over and over. Over and over. Mesmerized. Drawn to you and your relationship.

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Patti Guenther. A student and facilitator of healing communication because I believe people are worth the risk. I write about what inspires me with the intention to create positive impact in our world.

Writer’s note. Thank you to my niece, Michaela Christian. You rock at listening to my “shitty first drafts” as I reflect upon my feelings and thoughts in a free-flow kind of way. You are an amazing listener. Thank you for reviewing what I’ve written, and encouraging me to share this story. I believe it will create a positive impact in our world.